Monday, August 19, 2013

Knowledge vs Luck


When I was a few years younger, I wanted seven children. I don’t know why I wanted seven and not eight.. or four.. or three. I just wanted seven. Helen once told me that the reason behind me wanting seven children was because my daughter was a good daughter and it’s true. I can’t imagine wanting any more children if my first was a hellish monster (not that kids are hellish monsters but you get what I mean. Don’t get your panties in a bunch). Now I want just three. My Mom practically gave me a high five when she found out I was having a boy this time around and said “You have one of each now so no more! You’re going to ruin your body!” Asian parents, what can you say? Anyways, I want three. I want one more little girl because I feel like my artist grew up too fast for me. I was still a youngin’ and had a lot of growing up to do myself, you know? A woman once tsk-ed at me and said “It’s a child raising a child. How sad!” (I’m telling you, Asian women are brutal) and although my then young and proud self wanted to punch her square in the jaw, I can’t help but agree with her now.

When friends see the kind of girl Trina grew up to be, they ask me for advice as if I’m some sort of an expert. I get questions like “how did you do it? How did you raise a girl so smart and obedient?” and you know what? No matter how hard I think, my smart ass mouth can’t come up with anything but “I got lucky.” I was there for Trina as a Mother, Guide, and Teacher… but I really don’t know how I raised such a wonderful little person and it scares me thinking that I could have done something wrong to ruin all of that. Don’t get me wrong, I do my very best but I could have really damaged this little person and she could have been raised into a polar opposite version of who she is now.

Having said that, I am deathly afraid that I might fuck everything up this time around. I’m so, so, so afraid that I might not be as “lucky” with this little child growing in my uterus. I find myself panicking as if this is my first time having a child even though I have a bright, young girl making me proud every single minute of every single day.

I’ve been asking God to guide me more than I ever have my entire life. I’ve realized how fragile a balance is between choice A and choice B and I’ve been asking begging Him to guide me, guide my children in the right direction. I can only hope that He sees me ready now for His grace than later.

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