what I’m struggling with

I really had to dig deep for this challenge and had to slice and dice things up a little to come up with this. This is something that I’m not really struggling with, but rather trying to avoid.

I don’t want to be like my Mother.

So many women says this and it is rare that it is due to hate. But that’s kind of what it is… Well, I don’t really hate my Mother, but I don’t like her a lot which lies on the verge of hate. I call her by her name by the way, which is very unusual for an Asian woman to do but love and respect my Step-Mother as my own.

I want to be like my Step Mother.

Now what I mean by not wanting to be like my Mother, or Helen and more like my Step Mother is in many areas of life. I want to live and keep things simple like my Step Mother or as I like to call her, my Mom. I want to raise and guide my child(ren) with love and understanding like she does. I don’t want to drown my child(ren) in an environment of anger and stress where every day is a challenge to make “Mommy happy”. I don’t want to judge people for every little thing they do and blame the world for the wrongs in my life. I want to guide my child(ren) after I have understood their troubles and fears; not by adding more troubles and fears because they couldn’t get it right to my preference. I want to teach them firmly but with love and not with an object within reach. I will call my children with words that’ll help them grow; not bitch, slut, child-of-a-dog, worthless shit, etc etc… I want my guests who enter my home to know that it is a home overflowing with joy, peace, and love. I don’t want my guests walking into a home filled with God-knows-what mess and blame it on her barely tween children because her lazy ass couldn’t suffice to do her job right. Yeah that’s right Helen, the whole town knows you’re a mess. Ugh, eff this crap, I hate that woman.

Maybe I should have wrote about “Struggling to not hate my Mother.” I almost didn’t want to do this challenge but I’m glad that I did… or maybe I shouldn’t have.

++Be sure to check out the rest of my May 2013: Blog a Day Challenge here.