my little lion.

   
My Little Lion, Leonardo, was born on November 7, 2013 at 7:13 AM. My labor was approximately three and a half hours long but I only pushed for eight minutes of it. I’m very proud to say I didn’t curse at my Husband and have given birth naturally for the second time. I even broke out into laughter mid-push and apologized to the nurse assisting me for seeming like a crazy lady. I high-fived the doctor that delivered Leo and thanked every hospital staff incessantly. I didn’t get a wink of sleep that night or the night after. Heck, I average about three to five hours of sleep nowadays but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’ve been peed on, projectile pooped on, and puked on within the first week of having Leo home.

 
The moment I heard his cry was the moment I became a mother all over again. A family of three has become four and everything revolves around this little boy. Trying to juggle being a mother to two is something I’m still trying to master and I’m blessed to have my Husband by my side to help me through this process. I don’t think I could have survived the past two weeks without him. The transition of adding the care of another little person has been surprisingly smooth with the help of Ariel. Thank you, Merman.

It took Leo and I a while to get to know and understand each other. I’m still getting used to reading his cues for specific needs and wants. He is overall an incredibly easy child only crying for milk and a gassy tummy. He likes to sneeze and let out a long sigh afterwards as if it was the most difficult thing he’s ever had to do. He tends to stare out into distance as if he was deep in thought and has the most delightful squeal of laughter.

For the first week I’ve had my breakfast, lunch, and dinner served to me in bed. My Step Mom has worked incredibly hard to make hearty soups for me to drink so that I may regain my strength and health back as soon as possible. The support system I have is beyond amazing that I feel incredibly blessed and forever grateful for everyone. It makes me appreciate and marvel all the mothers doing it all on their own. Bravo to you ladies out there.

I have almost five more years of parental experience than Ariel but he’s far better at this than I am. The way he balances his duties as a father, husband, and my support system is amazing and admirable. The way he connects with Leo is something I am a little envious of because unlike the needs Leo has of me as his nurturer, Ariel has quickly become a lifelong friend with Leo.

My No.1 has been incredibly helpful with Leo. The look in her eyes as she adores her little brother is a testimony to the unspoken bond that has tied these two together forever. She never forgets to say good morning and good night and will never leave for school without giving Leo a kiss g’bye. She’s the extra pair of hands that comes to the rescue when I’m juggling more than the most prestigious clown could ever handle.

Thanks Mom, for everything. Thank you for being by my side when Leo was born and thank you for mothering me back to health afterwards. Thank you for the endless hours of sleepless nights for the soups you’ve poured your love into to help me regain my strength. Thank you for being the maternal figure in my life that I can look up to, learn from, and have always needed. Thank you, for loving me as you would your own child and so much more.

When Ariel and I was thinking of a godparent for Leo, we both agreed that the best person was Misun –one of Ariel’s closest friend. Actually, I had thought of her from the very beginning of my pregnancy and when Ariel mentioned her as someone to ask, I told him to “get out of my head”.

Thanks Misun, for accepting to be Leo’s Godmother! We really couldn’t have come up with anyone better to ask and we are honored and grateful that you said yes. :) Thank you also for working so hard on Leo’s blanket! Also thank you, for making the long drive and going through hurdles of checkpoints to visit us at the military based hospital.

:) 

Her first song, to us.

Yesterday morning while Trina was getting ready for school, this song came up on her iPod. I had personally downloaded it for her because well, it’s kind of cute! Little did I know that it had quickly become one of her favorite songs and before it hit the chorus, Trina blushingly said “this song reminds me of you and Daddy.”

Awww… :) I mentioned this to Ariel and while listening to the song himself, he held my hand and said “Trina just dedicated her first song to us.”

That’s when I realized that even though Ariel and I may argue (although pretty rare), we’re probably doing it right.

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!

Just a little over two weeks left!

That’s right~ I have just a few days over two weeks left of this pregnancy and I’m just about ready to give birth and yet, willing to wait it out until his due date. The physical demand of this pregnancy is much more difficult than my first and having experienced every bit of pregnancy I’m just about ready to wave the white flag. If the baby was born this month however, October is going to be one busy month for me in the years to come with the many birthdays and Halloween as its closure. I’m just planning ahead for the future guys. I mean I wouldn’t mind it if the baby decided to join the world in the next few minutes but like I said, I am willing to wait.

My body has been gradually and mercifully preparing me for labor though. I’ve been getting early pregnancy symptoms for the past week and a half with nausea being the first. Then came the “lightening” or “dropping”, sharp lower back pains, mood swings, and finally menstrual like cramps with added pressure on my lower back. I’m feeling all of these things I listed right now this very moment. It’s bearable but it drains so much energy out of me and I’ve been hibernating like a bear in winter. I have my 38th week prenatal appointment set for tomorrow so we’ll see how far along I am, or how closer I am to going into labor.

Ariel and I finally settled on a name! It took us the entire pregnancy to agree on a name because while I fancied biblical names, Ariel was more geared towards names that resonated strength and difference. Now, coming up with a middle name was a far more difficult task because I wanted a part of my lineage to be represented in his name.

Btw, I can trace my family ancestry all the way back to the late 800 AD. Pretty cool right? I kind of came across this knowledge while trying to come up with a middle name for the baby and I’m surprised I never bothered to ask my Dad about this! The clan that I come from is the Haepung Kim Clan that was started by some Koryo emperor that abdicated himself in favor of some other guy or something. I’m still not quite sure about the whole story of it all but it’s pretty darn neat knowing where I come from.

Okay, back to the name thing.

In Korean tradition, each generation is given a name/letter/syllable according to some clan chart. It helps keep track of which generation the baby might come from. In the case of this baby, it’s “Hui” or “Hee”. Then the child is given a true name where the name giver looks at the birth chart and balances out his/her weakness. Then there’s the surname for a total of three syllables. The name that I was given is Kim Yi-Rang [pronounced ee-rL-ah-ng]. My generation was supposed to be given the name “Jang” or something else (I think it was Chung?) but my Father opted out of this tradition because he thought it sounded hideous. Plus being born a Daughter, I don’t think it was really necessary. Kind of sexist but whatever, I’m happy my Dad opted out of that. I love the name that I was given.

I’ve been really struggling with Hui/Hee because it sounds a bit too feminine in Korean. All of the names I know with that in the syllable (I say syllable because Korean names are usually three syllables) are all females names. Having said that, I might opt out of this tradition as well and pull a letter/syllable/word out of my Grandfather’s name instead. My mind is still not set on this whole thing obviously…

wrath of a soccer mom.

Last month during a Jamboree, I found myself behaving in sorts of an angry soccer mom. Trina got shoved by an opponent girl who must have really wanted that ball because even Trina turned around to give this girl the meanest look her face could ever have conjured up. Then the whistle blew… on our girls. I was so angry I was looking for every opportunity possible to yell at the opposing parents –as they were doing to us. I feel a little ashamed of that day… I was being an incredibly immature parent ready to elbow drop somebody over what was supposed to be a fun game for the girls. I’m telling you though, the competitive shouts started from the other side! I swear!

Just yesterday I received an email from a fellow Pink Panther parent regarding the girls’ behavior during practice. Now, I almost always attend every one of Trina’s practice minus about three out of about twenty when I had to squeeze in some grocery shopping or other errands nearby. Because I was feeling incredibly out of sorts, I sat in the car yesterday crocheting. While I was still there within view, I wasn't sitting on the sidelines like usual. This email was a mass email sent to all Pink Panther parents and while I should have just shrugged it off, I was ready to give this woman a piece of my mind! I don’t really like being confrontational but I was ready to set this woman straight. Pregnancy hormones? I don’t know. But reading this email now, I can totally see I was just looking for someone to release my grumpiness out on.

I just wanted to give all the parents a head’s up that coach has been increasingly more frustrated with the girls’ behavior during practice over the last few weeks. We have talked to Mindy in the past about being too goofy and not following coach’s directions. Today her behavior was a problem again and she will write an apology letter to Coach. I hope I am not overstepping my bounds by sending out this email, but I wasn’t sure if you were aware that this has been an issue for coach over the last few weeks.

Mindy has really enjoyed being on this team. She loves all the girls and coach Steve. I feel lucky that he chooses to coach this great group of girls and I certainly want to give him incentive to coach again next year!

Mindy’s Mom

To which I drafted…

​I'm (Trina's Mom) almost always at her practice and I can assure you, while the coach may get frustrated he handles our hyperactive, mouth-running-at-100mph girls accordingly and appropriately. Although there were a few times Trina had to be reminded to be more attentive to Coach’s instructions, I kind of find it unfair that all the girls were grouped in your email as needing some sort of discipline. I'm also pretty positive that Coach Hair understands that these girls are just that, (young) girls, and has his level of expectations set for this age group.

I understand why you must have felt the need to send out a mass email but I am appalled by your assumption that some of us parents may not be taking notice of what takes place beyond our supervision with your self-righteous need to remind "all the parents" to better discipline our children. Perhaps I'm taking more offense to this because of my pregnancy hormones (I'm suffering through the last few weeks of pregnancy now) or it's probably because a line really has been crossed here and I'm just giving you a nudge back over that line. Whatever it may be, I'm sure the coach is more than capable to type out a complaint email and would have done so if he felt it necessary.

Regards,

Trina’s Mom

As stated, my reply is in my Draft folder. I had clicked “send” but there was an error and the email came back landing itself in my Outbox. I decided to fix the error the next day and reading it now, I’m so glad that the error occurred. I can be such a bitch sometimes!

In all I’m so glad we’re pulling Trina out of soccer after Spring season (Ariel and I want her to be more involved in sports with her schoolmates). I can’t imagine Trina going into a select team and me having to do this soccer mom thing on a much more serious level.

Enjoying the last few weeks.

This is how I found Trina this morning. Her finishing the last Harry Potter series with her feet hanging out of her room window.

She let me sleep in today. Heck, she lets me sleep in every weekend. Being almost 10yo, she’s pretty capable of fixing herself a plate of breakfast and creative enough to entertain herself while I get those extra hours of sleep in.

I’m going to miss these extra hours of sleep. I’m really going to miss it…

Dear Baby Boy.

You are a lucky one.

You have a Dad that will teach you great things. He is an honest man that will teach you the importance of honor and respect. From him you will learn to guard yourself and to be calculative in the decisions you will face in life. He will teach you to be diligent and to give all and a little more in everything you do. You will learn to be humble and to let your actions speak for your character and through his examples you will learn to lead and never follow; to stand out and never blend; to be yourself and always proud.

You are a lucky one.

You have a Sister with a talent to put a spark of laughter and life in everything she does. From her you will learn to see the brighter things in life and the beauty of everything and everyone. You will learn to love all creations of God and to treat them all with equal love. You will learn to be just and fair; to be charitable without expecting to be rewarded; to stand up for what you believe is right. She’s a little sensitive at times but through that you will learn to be thoughtful in your actions.

I am not a perfect mom.

But I can teach you to try and understand everything and everyone that surrounds you. I can teach you to never depend on the world but only yourself for the things you want in life. I can teach you to survive the trials in life and to find strength when you’re weary. I can also teach you the importance of punctuality and the importance of the way you represent us, your parents. I am a little quick to anger with a short fuse to disobedience but you will learn that I have very little but nonetheless important rules.

You are a lucky one.

You have a family who appreciates everything little and big; nothing to all. We will teach you to find adventure in everything you do and to experience life to the fullest. You will learn to value and be grateful for everything that is provided to you by God and by us. You will be born into a family who has already walked through the murky waters of tribulation and have succeeded through. But we are still a young family that still needs to be polished in many areas of life and we welcome you wholeheartedly to join us in the many adventures to come. We’re already in love with you with love greater than that of the universe combined. We can’t wait to meet you.

[image source: pinterest]

forgiving helen & freeing myself (pt 1)

“Yeah, as long as we know we're trapped, we still have a chance to escape.”
― Sara Grant, Neva

It’s something that I have struggled with the past year. Not because I felt I had to, but because I wanted to. Her being my Mother played a small role compared to me wanting to set myself free from the shackles of the resentment I felt towards her.

I’m 28 years of age but I have known her 20 years and was raised by her for only seven of those twenty years. She didn’t abandon me per se, but left me in Korea to be raised by relatives while she tried to create a future here in America with her now ex-husband, my Dad. Story goes I wasn’t allowed to join my parents here in America because my paternal grandfather forbade it. He wanted his eldest son (my Dad) to stay in Korea and figured using me as bait would work. It didn’t. So for a little over 8 years I was constantly tossed back and forth between my maternal side of the family to my paternal side having switched schools a total of six times in the few years I was of primary school age. After my paternal grandfather passed away (I loved this man dearly and thought of him as my father then and is greatly missed), I was allowed to join my parents. I met my parents and three siblings for the first time in March 1993.

Helen and I was never close. There was once a time I thought that we were but it was because she confided everything to me. Everything. Some things should not have been said because I was quite young. Her words were poison and it turned me bitter towards everyone she told me had caused her harm. I was too young and I soaked it all in.

She was an incredibly abusive person mentally, physically, and emotionally. Her idea of discipline was to beat me raw with everything in reach while tearing me apart emotionally. I was a worthless bitch, an unwanted bastard, useless garbage, and so much more combinations of creative words. The one thing she has never said to me was regret my existence—at least never directly to me. So I guess she wasn’t completely inhumane.

Anyways.

She can’t abuse me anymore. I’m fairly tiny, but I grew up stronger and my skin thicker. My words are now more poisonous than hers and I could tear her apart if I wanted to. I could cause her the same torment that she has in my childhood in just one night. I know this because it has happened once when I came stumbling home drunk. She won’t dare raise her hand at me now. She has seen what my anger is capable of. I am capable of destroying everything and everyone that gets in my way. The outcome of a child raised in anger.

But I have never laid my hands on her, that I could never do.

“…fighting your inner demons”

That is how Ariel described it. I don’t know what caused it but I suddenly saw how terrible I was. I began to realize the terror I was causing around me. I hated the bitterness in me, the anger, the constant search to tear someone apart. I was destructive. Just the way Helen was to me.

In the summer of 2012 a family member so efficaciously informed me that Helen had disowned me and my daughter. She can hate me, fine. She can curse death upon me, fine. She can stab me if she wanted to and I’d deal with it but my daughter? The only purely beautiful thing in my life. Why her? I became angry but I tried to reach out to her. I tried to sort this out. She could hate me all she wanted but she wasn’t allowed to put that hate on my daughter. My child had nothing to do with whatever grudge she had against me.

The same oh-so-informative family member then informs me that a sister of mine was the cause of it all. I know this sister inside and out. She’s just like Helen and just like me. She can be destructive as well and her specialty? Lies. She can fabricate a lie so well you’d believe the tears she (forcefully) cries. I know better than to believe her little tears though because us Kim girls are too proud to cry unless we felt it would further benefit our malicious cause—Ariel is exempt from this though. I tried it on him once in the beginning before we got married and he saw right through it. He knows me too well and that folks, is what happens when you start dating a very close friend.

Anyways.

I had enough of it all. I surrendered and decided I wasn’t going to fight back. I wasn’t going to waste an ounce of energy to give them the satisfaction of seeing me desperate to protect my daughter. I torched the crap out of that bridge and allowed every anger and resentment I had towards Helen break free. It was my defense to stop myself from feeling abandoned, worthless, and unloved. Leaving her behind with the rest of my past though was the beginning of my whole healing process.

[to be continued]