TSM.

Trapped. Suffocated. Misguided.

I am a woman married to a man who loves me for all I am. He sees the best in me even when I am in doubt of myself.

I am a mother to two beautiful children. They define my world.

Maybe it’s a mid-life crisis thing. Or maybe, just maybe… I really am caught up in a whirlwind of changes that I can’t seem to match pace with.

Too many deaths this year. It isn’t so much the death that triggers this feeling that I have yet to understand –they are all finally at peace. It is the fact that it has become too familiar.

I remember my first funeral. I was 22. Since then I have attended a handful more and while their death has tugged at my spirit none has affected me more than Muriel’s. She wasn’t a best-friend, but she was one of my very few close friends. Oh, the conversations we used to have. Her death has made me question my belief in faith and in life. I have suffered countless nights beating myself up with blames I shouldn’t have put on myself. I was slowly beginning to heal.

Two more deaths in the family. Only a few weeks apart.

I come from a very broken home. I met my parents for the first time when I was 9 years of age. No, I wasn’t adopted. I miss the woman that gave me life but I hate her all the same. No, I hate her more than I long to rebuild build what we never had.

I strive to become a mother that I have always needed. To do the complete opposite of her. It is by the grace of God that I met my step-mother. She has filled that void and has become a mother for a young woman in need of guidance. Right now, she needs me.

I am in the process of chasing after my dreams. To solve and innovate. To prove that despite my struggles of self acceptance I am worthy. But I have realized that these dreams are holding me back more than it defines me. Obsessed over proving to the world that I am invisible in, I find myself in constant worry of tomorrow. Slowing down and breathing for the moment seems to have become lost thought.

Trapped. Suffocated. And misguided.

I need to relish the blessings in my life. I have been blessed far more than I deserve.

pieces of my day.

This happened by complete accident. Because Trina and I wear the same sized clothing, shoes, and socks.. we color coordinate everything. My socks are grey and hers is white. :)

Coffee makes my world go round! I’m a grumpy woman without coffee… I need at least two cups a day! Once in the morning and the other early evening or I’m KOed with Leo during his nap.

Little curious boy watching Daddy park. :) I love moments like this when he observes his surroundings and takes it all in.

pieces of today.

Our apartment doesn’t allow charcoal grills so we retired ol’ grilly and upgraded. Ariel grills the best steak ever and initiated Little Red (yes, I named the grill) into the family by putting him through a trial run. He did great. :)

This is how my study corner usually looks. I usually have just the Dell and Surface but I had an additional note to review for an assignment today. Some might say that this is unhealthy but this system is what works for me. I keep all of my notes synced to all my smart devices so I can review them whenever, wherever. A classmate told me that I have a lot of techs. I told him that I spend money on gadgets like how a normal woman spends money on designer purses.

pieces of today.

pieces of my week.

16mos cloth diapering.

A cloth diapering mom’s pride is her collection. :) I’ve tried three different brands but BumGenius pocket 4.0 diapers are my favorite! It has been thrown in the dryer by mistake once or twice, but the elastic has held up considering I’ve used these for almost 16mos. The elasticity has however lost its stretch by about 30% but I wash these suckers every two days. It isn’t a huge deal however because my growing boy still fits in them fine, and if anything it no longer leaves marks on his little thighs. Do I get leaks though? No. Not yet. I double stuff it for nighttime use with a regular insert and a NB insert and it has done its job marvelously.

b&w challenge. [02]

Here she is! The beauty that pushed me over the edge and into the abyss of the curious world of photography. My husband, Ariel, used to shoot with this back when he was in high school. I don’t know how it happened but one day she became mine. My first SLR! I mentioned in a previous post on how much I’ve always enjoyed photography, but it wasn’t until this camera that I fell in love with photography. Call me ignorant, but I never knew how creative you can get with a camera. I think I might just take this beauty out on a date next weekend. Perhaps tomorrow. :)

b&w challenge one.

Photography has always been an outlet of mine. From disposables, polaroids, point-and-shoots, SLRs to DSLRs, I have always enjoyed photography. But it wasn’t until recent that I have took it more seriously and have decided to start from scratch. To hone my skill by starting all over from the beginning. In order to do that, I have decided to focus on shooting nothing but b&w photos for the next month. A challenge, if you will. :) I don’t shoot much in b&w and only convert my photos if the colors frustrate me so this is going to be quite the challenge. I guess you can say I lack the artistic eye to see past the colors to bring out the focus of details…? I don’t know. But I am hoping that by the end of this month long challenge, I will come out a better photographer.

a piece of my day in photos.

i turned 30 today. After I got out of class Ariel and I had dinner at Stanley and Seaforts. We haven't had time alone for ourselves in a loooooooooong time so this was such a nice time for us. thank you MIL for watching the kids. :) we both looked like the happiest duo while sharing stories and poking fun at each other. this has become a must do every month now...

 

basil grimlet. my official fav!

ariel and his lady drink. haha

halibut cheek. or as ariel calls it, hella-buttcheek. 

the view from our table. beautiful, isn't it?

just another week.

A normal day at the Arellano house.

This is Leo's attempt at helping me fold laundry.

Trina getting her Supernatural fix on Hulu with a hair roller on.

4 years.

I'm a little late on this post because well, 4 years ago was two days ago.

Confusing, right?

4 years ago (from two days ago) was when my husband and I married. It's been almost 4 months since he deployed with two more months to go until he comes back home (I'm seeing a pattern here...). This husband of mine that I've known for more than half of my life still manages to give me butterflies from the other side of this planet.

I miss him. So much.

Two more months to go.

hello, old friend.

I am guilty.

I am guilty of neglecting this place where my thoughts are drawn. I’ve also been neglecting the photo-a-week project I set out to do. I’m terrible.

But…

I’m doing great! I’ve started school again and have been pretty busy (and sleep deprived) balancing everything from spending time with Trina, attending to little Leo, keeping a 96% average in school, and everything else that life demands. Ariel and I chat just about every day (thank God for the Air Force!) so it’s almost as if he’s just at work only half an hour drive away.

Almost.

I’ve managed to stay strong this far. We’re just about a third of the way through and I haven’t cried once. Maybe it’s because I have so much going on that my mind and body is always running about but I haven’t hugged myself crying in a corner yet. haha! I am reminded of him every day though. His razor still hangs in the shower, his toiletries still on the dresser, his winter gloves and hat still tucked away in the car, his coolers in the backyard, and the weather that demands BBQ all whisper his missing presence. Sometimes I catch myself feeling alone and really, really small. I daydream from time to time and I can picture him vividly enough that it almost feels like he never left. It also helps that we chat like we’ve always done.

A third of the way through.

I learned something about myself though. I always feared that I had become too comfortable and the part of me that survived through pre-Ariel times was long gone. I mean, I shudder at everything I went through and the girl that I was. I was a pretty tough little thing that was difficult to break down. Very stupid, but tough. Point is, she’s still here somewhere. A lot less stupid thank God, but I’m still pretty tough!

I hear Leo squealing. My time here is up folks! Until next time.. :)

14/52

Trina and I’ve been having SO MUCH FUN with her school’s spirit week. It was wacky hair day yesterday! Can you tell?

Leo started out looking like my Dad but his features are changing! My Step Mom said that a baby will change at least 20 times as he grows and well, she was definitely right about that. 

12/52

This is how I found Trina doing her homework earlier this week.

He’s the sweetest morning child I’ve ever met.

11/52

Trina has always been quite the artist since she could hold a pencil.

Leo doesn’t mind belly time as much as he used to. Why? Because he can roll back onto his back whenever he pleases.

10/52

 

Glossybox review: March 2014

It’s something I look forward to every month now; the pretty pink box from Glossybox. I received my first box last month and while I liked it on a scale of 8 out of 10, I didn’t like this month’s as much.

 
Much like last month (and I’m pretty sure for many more months to come) it came packaged in a pretty pink ribbon and a card filled with little facts of each products.

I wish I had taken a photo of it but the packaging inside wasn’t as pretty. Maybe it’s due to the shipment but I had to dig through the crinkle-cut paper fills to fish out the sample sized products. I blame it on the shipment process very lightly because last month’s presentation was perfect with every item nestled in nicely.

First, the tinted lip balm from Figs & Rouge in Cherry Blossom. This is one of my favorite of the two things I like from this month’s subscription. When I first saw the shade of the pink, I was a little turned off because it was a little too rouge for my liking. I tried it on anyways and it was one of those “don’t judge a book by its cover” moments. The color (it’s the same shade of pink that you see on the product!) really brought out the color of my lips in a really natural way. It also doesn’t feel sticky or oily leaving your lips feeling as if it was bare. This UK made product has a price tag of $9 on Amazon.

My current eyelash curler is from Revlon and while I haven’t tried many to consider myself an eyelash curler expert, I didn’t like this eyelash curler from Emite very much. Maybe it’s because I have thick eyelashes (if there is such a thing?) but it just didn’t get the job done. I usually wear faux lashes and it didn’t do the job as well as my drugstore purchased Revlon. Shame. This is a Swedish product and while you can order from their website, everything is written in what I’m assuming is Swedish so try your luck on Ebay. I found a few on there for sale with a price tag ranging from $8 to $15.

Okay. So I know nails. I may not have done nails for five years now but I know nails because there once was a time when I lived and breathed nails – I worked six days a week open to close at a nail salon in Durham, NC. While the dry time on this polish was superb, it went on sort of sloppy and dried a little dull. The company Lauren B is based in LA and their nail polish can be directly purchased from their website for $18 (so not worth it, I’m just going to stick with OPI and Essie). The shade I received was nowhere close to my preference but I won’t let that affect my rating for this. It took three coats and a careful spread to get an even coverage. 3 out of 5 stars because it could just be this shade. Lighter nail polishes do have the tendency to have that watered down thing going on…...

When I saw this in my box I had log in to my acct to check my beauty profile. This is a treatment spray for color treated hair from Pureology and well, I haven’t colored my hair in a long while. In fact, my beauty profile on Glossybox is filled out in a way that specifically shows how useless this would be for me. So in that light I can’t give an honest review for this item.

Now this eyeliner… Wow. I love this eyeliner! It glides on so smooth and stays on so long that I haven’t had the need to do any touch-ups since I put on my makeup twelve hours ago. Now, being a monolid I tend to do my eye makeup on the heavier side so having a good eyeliner is pretty important to me. You can buy this sweet eyeliner for $15 directly from them by clicking here.

This month’s subscription is overall okay. Shipment speed was better than last month’s by about a week having received it yesterday. Packaging presentation was terrible but nothing was damaged. The value of the items in this box was triple more than the monthly subscription fee so I’m a happy-ish camper but Glossybox, you guys were really sloppy this month.

***This is my own personal review for a product that I paid for. If you would like to register for a monthly subscription of your own, feel free to use my referral link by clicking here!