TSM.

Trapped. Suffocated. Misguided.

I am a woman married to a man who loves me for all I am. He sees the best in me even when I am in doubt of myself.

I am a mother to two beautiful children. They define my world.

Maybe it’s a mid-life crisis thing. Or maybe, just maybe… I really am caught up in a whirlwind of changes that I can’t seem to match pace with.

Too many deaths this year. It isn’t so much the death that triggers this feeling that I have yet to understand –they are all finally at peace. It is the fact that it has become too familiar.

I remember my first funeral. I was 22. Since then I have attended a handful more and while their death has tugged at my spirit none has affected me more than Muriel’s. She wasn’t a best-friend, but she was one of my very few close friends. Oh, the conversations we used to have. Her death has made me question my belief in faith and in life. I have suffered countless nights beating myself up with blames I shouldn’t have put on myself. I was slowly beginning to heal.

Two more deaths in the family. Only a few weeks apart.

I come from a very broken home. I met my parents for the first time when I was 9 years of age. No, I wasn’t adopted. I miss the woman that gave me life but I hate her all the same. No, I hate her more than I long to rebuild build what we never had.

I strive to become a mother that I have always needed. To do the complete opposite of her. It is by the grace of God that I met my step-mother. She has filled that void and has become a mother for a young woman in need of guidance. Right now, she needs me.

I am in the process of chasing after my dreams. To solve and innovate. To prove that despite my struggles of self acceptance I am worthy. But I have realized that these dreams are holding me back more than it defines me. Obsessed over proving to the world that I am invisible in, I find myself in constant worry of tomorrow. Slowing down and breathing for the moment seems to have become lost thought.

Trapped. Suffocated. And misguided.

I need to relish the blessings in my life. I have been blessed far more than I deserve.

pieces of my day.

This happened by complete accident. Because Trina and I wear the same sized clothing, shoes, and socks.. we color coordinate everything. My socks are grey and hers is white. :)

Coffee makes my world go round! I’m a grumpy woman without coffee… I need at least two cups a day! Once in the morning and the other early evening or I’m KOed with Leo during his nap.

Little curious boy watching Daddy park. :) I love moments like this when he observes his surroundings and takes it all in.

pieces of today.

Our apartment doesn’t allow charcoal grills so we retired ol’ grilly and upgraded. Ariel grills the best steak ever and initiated Little Red (yes, I named the grill) into the family by putting him through a trial run. He did great. :)

This is how my study corner usually looks. I usually have just the Dell and Surface but I had an additional note to review for an assignment today. Some might say that this is unhealthy but this system is what works for me. I keep all of my notes synced to all my smart devices so I can review them whenever, wherever. A classmate told me that I have a lot of techs. I told him that I spend money on gadgets like how a normal woman spends money on designer purses.

pieces of today.

pieces of my week.

16mos cloth diapering.

A cloth diapering mom’s pride is her collection. :) I’ve tried three different brands but BumGenius pocket 4.0 diapers are my favorite! It has been thrown in the dryer by mistake once or twice, but the elastic has held up considering I’ve used these for almost 16mos. The elasticity has however lost its stretch by about 30% but I wash these suckers every two days. It isn’t a huge deal however because my growing boy still fits in them fine, and if anything it no longer leaves marks on his little thighs. Do I get leaks though? No. Not yet. I double stuff it for nighttime use with a regular insert and a NB insert and it has done its job marvelously.

b&w challenge. [02]

Here she is! The beauty that pushed me over the edge and into the abyss of the curious world of photography. My husband, Ariel, used to shoot with this back when he was in high school. I don’t know how it happened but one day she became mine. My first SLR! I mentioned in a previous post on how much I’ve always enjoyed photography, but it wasn’t until this camera that I fell in love with photography. Call me ignorant, but I never knew how creative you can get with a camera. I think I might just take this beauty out on a date next weekend. Perhaps tomorrow. :)

b&w challenge one.

Photography has always been an outlet of mine. From disposables, polaroids, point-and-shoots, SLRs to DSLRs, I have always enjoyed photography. But it wasn’t until recent that I have took it more seriously and have decided to start from scratch. To hone my skill by starting all over from the beginning. In order to do that, I have decided to focus on shooting nothing but b&w photos for the next month. A challenge, if you will. :) I don’t shoot much in b&w and only convert my photos if the colors frustrate me so this is going to be quite the challenge. I guess you can say I lack the artistic eye to see past the colors to bring out the focus of details…? I don’t know. But I am hoping that by the end of this month long challenge, I will come out a better photographer.

a piece of my day in photos.

i turned 30 today. After I got out of class Ariel and I had dinner at Stanley and Seaforts. We haven't had time alone for ourselves in a loooooooooong time so this was such a nice time for us. thank you MIL for watching the kids. :) we both looked like the happiest duo while sharing stories and poking fun at each other. this has become a must do every month now...

 

basil grimlet. my official fav!

ariel and his lady drink. haha

halibut cheek. or as ariel calls it, hella-buttcheek. 

the view from our table. beautiful, isn't it?

just another week.